QUIPS AND QUICK RETORTS

Well 2 gin soaked old dames cant build a site on vodka alone, so ( thankfully) The lads are always at hand ( on white chargers clutching a sword *OMG the mental picture - Dame H passes over the bromide....) Reckoning on Mr. M. Feehily being pretty sharp on the 1 liner stakes when he's in the mood I put him to the test - ( Dame Hilda speaking 'cos poor mark hides in the linen closet when he sees Evadne - He's too scared that her 'test' is a road test *gulp*) Anyhows, I succeeded in borrowing a little of his precious time to ask for some witticisms. Feehily style....

One-liners area subject close to me heart, albeit a sarcastic one or maybe a real thought provoking one, I just adore one-liner so I thought I would share a few with all me lovely fans.

xx Mark

PROFOUND SAYINGS!

2B or not 2B? I think it's a grade of pencil
43% of all statistics are worthless
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist
Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there

ALPHABETICAL QUIPS

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A
Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
A computer beat me at chess once. But, it was no match for me at kick boxing
A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
A dancer goes quick on her beautiful legs; a duck goes quack on her beautiful eggs.
A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.
A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing; disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything.
A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline
A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
A fair face may fade, but a beautiful soul last forever.

A careless word may kindle strife.
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A timely word may level stress.
A loving word may heal and bless

B
Bacteria: the only culture some people have
Bad planning on your part does not necessarily constitute an automatic emergency on my part.
Beat me with the truth, don't torture me with lies.
Beauty is only skin deep...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
Beauty is quite different from charm, beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you
Be beautiful if you can, wise if you want to... But be respected, that is essential
Be bold in what you stand for; and careful what you fall for.

Be careful of the words you say.
And keep them soft and sweet.
For you never know from day to day.
Which ones you'll have to eat

Before you point your fingers be sure your hands are clean. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Be who you are and say what you feel: because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind
Big doesn't necessarily mean better. sunflowers aren't better than violets

D
Dance as if no one's watching, love as if it's never going to hurt
Dear God, help me to guard my tongue and learn to say the right thing at the right time for the right reason in the right way. Help me, too, to know when to keep my mouth shut.

Dear God,
So far today,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.
Amen

Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this Bull before!
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Discipline without freedom is tyranny.
Freedom without discipline is chaos

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Don't measure your life by how many breaths you take, measure it by how many times you get your breath taken away

E
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead
Everyone needs to be loved . . . especially when they do not deserve it.

F
Fools rush in - and get all the best seats.
Foot: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I will not forget you.

H
He who laughs last thinks slowest! (NICKY BYRNE-THIS IS YOU)

K
Keep your head in the clouds.. you're the first to know when it rains, and it's easier to see the silver lining.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards
Kindness: a language the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and the mute can speak.
Kisses are like tears, the only real ones are the ones you can't hold back.

L
Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life (BRYAN’S PRAYER)
Life is hard, no one makes it out alive

Little Johnny's new baby brother was crying and screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd baby brother come from?"
His mother replied, "Heaven, Johnny. He came from heaven."
After listening to his baby brother's wailing for another few seconds Johnny shot back, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out"

M
Money glitters, beauty sparkles, and intelligence shines.
Money is an excellent servant, but a horrible master.
More doors are opened with "please" than with keys.
My best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time

N
Never argue with a stupid person. First they'll drag you down to their level, then they will beat you with experience
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Never overlook wallflower at dance; may be dandelion in grass.
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

No moving parts, no batteries.
No monthly payments and no fees.
Inflation proof, non-taxable,
in fact it's quite reliable.
It can't be stolen, won't pollute,
one size fits all, do not dilute.
It uses little energy,
but yields results enormously.
Relieves your tension and your stress,
invigorates your happiness.
Combats depression, makes you beam
and elevates your self esteem.
Your circulation it corrects
without complicated side effects.
It is, I think, the perfect drug.
May I prescribe, my friend. . . . . . the hug!

O
Of course, there's now a higher percentage of seat belt users. The non-users are slowly being killed off.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Old hippies never die, they just surrender to society (KIAN!!!!!!!!!!)

PARENTAL OBSERVATIONS
A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

R
Reach for the moon. If you miss, you may fall on a star
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die

S
Snowflakes are one of natures most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together
So many people will walk in and out of your life, but those who leave foot prints are true friends
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
And finds it in your presence that life is worth while,
So when your lonely.... remember it's true,
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.

Well I think that will keep you all going for a little while, I may come back with sarcastic quips next. As I said before some of these are funny but there a few that really make you think.

xx Mark