Birmingham 2004
DAME HILDA
That could be sub labelled – Fan crave! But all by total accident I hasten to add – because I don’t do that sort of thing…..Ok – I’m often so out of it – I can’t be sure who I saw! But on most of the nights had out with the mates – I most certainly saw pink elephants – and more Westlife than you can shake a stick at.
Saturday morning ( as sun eased over horizon ) this old broad set off from up north, the other from down south and the third whizzed in a day later. Bex, our dear site reported joined us and kindly took Evadne out on the tiles the previous night – but that’s another story – I am sure the girls will write it up soon.
Saturday afternoon – at an exceeding posh hotel, four of us met up and slipped into the main bar. 4 hours later and 6 bottles of champagne……….a dames reputation falls before her….a little like Suzy….who also falls a lot … er, large thanks to the paramedics, and I must say that her black eye, swollen mouth and bruised nose really didn’t put diners off at breakfast…..much! (And there is nothing you can show me that would ever put me off food! – even the sight of Suzy’s face in the morning – I assure you, at my age I’ve seen far more horrors upon awakening…… )
I forgot to mention also that, Bex , our lovely site reporter had a rather recent accident – Bex Non Wembley Tour – and was borderline wheelchair bound. At first we demanded a wheelchair for the poor girl and insisted she remained seated as her doctor ordered, but 6 hours later when each member of our party had slammed her kneecaps into every hotel doorway, smashed the poor woman’s toes into every ramp railing, the learn how to shuffle slowly to the bathroom propped up on a pair of old ducks arms! At one point 3 of us nipped upstairs, leaving Bex a moment………except the hotel was a rabbit warren and when we received a desperate phone call for ‘toilet assistance’ I took off for the sports bar like a greyhound from the trap, but got rather lost! 20 minutes later when I staggered into the bar was relieved to find that a few lovely kind golf players had carted her horizontal and mortified to the bathroom! Thank you also to Simon/ Simon/ Trevor and ‘barrel’ ( whom I’m sure, as perfect gentlemen – ‘didn’t peek’ *snigger*
Whilst on the subject of thank you’s, may I extend a thank you to the hotel for cocking up the room bill and forgetting a few bottles of champers of final bill! YEAAAHAR!! Next morning our party was very surprised to be greeted warmly by various members of the general public and a large sprinkling of hotel staff! I can’t actually recall clearly what we got up to….but we did try so hard to be discreet and ladylike and quiet. Obviously we failed drastically!
Suffice to say, when this old dame received a text message “ come to reception” I presumed Dame Evadne had probably lost her room key yet again, and decided – ‘Sod it’ she’s a grown woman ….and turned back to my pint and table full of drunken golfers….alas – lesson learnt ha ha – please read on.
Next morning I awoke on maybe 4 hours sleep and a vague recollection that the girls night clubbing’ hadn’t happened. Bex passed out, Suzy head butted floor, dame Evadne hit the laptop and I hit the drink…….*blush*. When I finally sobered up I found that Bex and Evadne had done a classic crave, having had a good old gas to Shane and his lovely wife Gillian, Kian and his stunning girlfriend Jodi – who they both said were utterly charming, in fact all four were beyond fantastic, Even Mr Feehily Snr. stopped to chat and have photo’s taken! ( I’m not jealous/ I’m not jealous…honest! – as they did ask me to join them but I was propping the bar up and couldn't face the mile long hike back to the foyer!
Well, anyway, whilst sunning ourselves next day, who should wander past, but Mr Oliver Feehily…Bex stopped to chat ( well actually – more the other way around – what a charming man! I have to admit, both of these gals have tried to convince me of Mark’s charm (in the looks stakes – but failed) but I am finally converted. I’m finally a Feehily Fan!!!! (Oliver Feehily that is!) Not only did he happily stop for a snap or two (to replace the truly grim drunken pictures taken the night before! – Them….not him! ) But really REALLY chatted and threw in pure Irish charm to three besotted old ladies! I am happy to inform you all that – it’s hereditary, because Mark was as nice when we caught up with him later in the evening.
Well, blah, blah, blah ( go to tour report – I do recall it! )After the amazing concert we all fall back into hotel in fine spirits (or in my case – ON the spirits! ) To find out that Mr Feehily was @ bar and stopped yet again for a chatter LOL – guess what – darling man HAD arranged tickets for friend who had travelled without…and Evadne in her confusion…? Gave him wrong number PML! We didn’t like to tell him that aforementioned ticketless friend had actually passed out earlier on the mini bar – not actually ON it but more from it! ) Anyways, a large fan gathering / good gossip / drink flowing and Mr security on fine form ( the lads were whisked away to safety and privacy next door! )
Anyway ( God - this gets embarrassing ) I popped off chair to hunt down Bex – who had damaged back and shuffled like a codger – thinking maybe she’d either fallen over or was struggling on loo, I wandered aimlessly up the corridor to find her. I did so, as she exclaimed something along the lines of “look Nicky!!” I looks at her, sizing up her alcohol intake to laugh in her face at the backside of some bloke down the hall…..who – I now apologise for my comments and will NOT repeat * oh the shame * as it WAS Nicky Byrne! ( doesnt he walk funny....? ) Anyways - - he’s a card isn’t he! Had a bit of a laugh on the lines of Irish flag / Irishman / two hotel doormen and 2 old broads ( I’ll leave Bex to tell you all about it and show photographs )
Later on I met Mark (yet again -) Its almost becoming a ‘Dame standing joke: - I think God's on payback! Some of you (maybe all of you - know my Feehily aversion ) Not that he isn’t the most interesting man – beyond polite, wonderful conversationalist and a totally thoughtful man – BUT he isn’t my cup of tea! And after a few years of being surrounded by mad Mark fans I was almost becoming irrational about hearing of him. So what do I get? Wall to wall Mark experiences * Dame Hilda throws hands in air in resignation* Count me in at last – because his fathers cute!!!!!! As a devoted Shane fan, shall I tell you all about my Shane meets………….*cough* here’s a postage stamp…It will all fit on sticky side LOL.
Suffice to say – 1st viewing Mark had of this dame * horror – for him and me* was this rather porky / pickled dame on knees hunting for lens cap upon floor! When I finally picked my cap ( lens cap not dutch cap ) off floor , along with tongue AND marbles I staggered over to friends. Trying, of course, to look casual, sober and not in the least bit mortified ( I’m almost too old to care ) So, casually leaning on the lectern thingie wotnot between us…. Ah another horror tale…No-one mentioned that it was on hidden wheels! Forgive me Mark! I do hope you were a tad tipsy and didn’t feel the pain as I ran over your feet and almost landed face first in your lap ( something both Bex and dame E would have sold their soul for * cringe* )
When I finally gathered my faculties, handbag, pelvic floor and humiliation together– the darling didn’t even flinch at the sight of ‘wild woman of Borneo turning scarlet’ but he did stop to compliment me on concert photo’s that I had thrown on floor! There you are – a dame’s claim to fame – Mark says I take a decent photo …..* thud*
Never again ….well not this tour anyway!!! Dame Hilda signing out and passing out xx but leaving a few eventful 'piss artist' pics behind * oh the shame*