Well , what to do with this little page...Ah you found it nestled in the Dublin page, you've seen the photos of Dublin city, you've read all the informative information. Well time to 'tell it as it is!' For all the unsuspecting tourists, this is a dames version of the 'travellers rough guide ' to Dublin's fair city....
E-JITS GUIDE
- Lesson #1:
"What do mean, you want more lessons? When I was your age..."
Ah, the life on the open road! Driving in bus lanes! Blocking any street with impunity! And what other ancient and noble profession lets you give a state of the nation address to a captive audience for half an hour while stuck at Terenure crossroads - and get paid for it? Famous taxi rides in Irish history include the 1916 Easter Rising ("Listen, the bridge is blocked, but I'll go around Boland's Bakery..."), the Flight of the Earls ("Sorry pal, I forgot there were several extras"), and Cuchulainn's trip to Emer ("Yeah, the meter's stuck").
You might think that being a taxi driver in today's Dublin is a doddle - just get a vehicle and a taxi plate from one of your fellow drivers for 80,000 quid (or buy one of those new licences for far less from the Corpo). But it's not as easy as it looks, with loads of pitfalls and potholes to avoid. Are you up to it? To find out, simply take the following six-question multiple choice test.
TAXI TEST
1: CHAT: The main topic of conversation with your passenger should be...(a) How it's so hard to make a few bob nowadays, what with your plate costing nearly 100,000 quid but mind you you'd never sell it either
(b) "Sorry, me missus is on the mobile she's asking about what I want for me tea."
(c) Bobby Molloy
(d) Bobby Molloy, travellers, gay people, hackney drivers and asylum-seekers, and what you'd do with them once you are in charge of the country.
(e) Nothing - the passenger might actually want a bit of peace and quiet.
(a) Them hackneys. They have it so easy.
(b) Operating your taxi in two shifts, and charging another driver "a modest sum" for the privilege.
(c) Ditto, but charging a fellow driver "an arm and a leg".
(d) Ditto, but charge two other drivers "an arm and a leg".
(e) Something to keep a teapot warm?
(a) A Wolf Tones tape.
(b) That Country 'n' Irish show on CKR FM.
(c) The Chris Barry phone-in.
(d) That other fella on the other station because you hate that Chris Barry.
(e) Nothing. Silence is golden.
(a) Maps of Dublin
(b) Wheelchairs
(c) PDs
(d) Places that you don't want to got to (simply tell the person in the rank: "Which way are you going? Nah, that's no good, I'm off home to my tea")
(e) Tax
(a) The "vampire" shift - any time except daylight (because the traffic is only
wagons).
(b) The "quiet life" shift - Mondays to Wednesdays, but only if there's Nothing Big On At The Point Tonight or the Junior Cert brats aren't out on the town and do you see what them young ones wear nowadays it's a disgrace.
(c) The "tourist" shift - do just the airport run, and charge our friends from overseas treble the normal rate.
(d) The "couch potato" shift" - times when "There's rubbish on the telly, apart from RTE which has gone to the dogs anyway and that Clare McKeon used to be great, and the Champions League is rubbish on TV3 and that Big Brother was all a fake you know and I don't know what young people see in that Podge and Rodge they are disgusting and it's supposed to be a kids' programme? A bloody disgrace if you ask me."
(e) Peak times, when significant numbers of people may actually require a taxi.
(a) The lingering essence of Major, Senior Service and Carrolls No. 1.
(b) As (a) above, plus the sweet aroma of your armpits (a vintage classic).
(c) Ditto, plus the whiff of three or four pints you had with the lads before starting.
(d) All of above, with badly botched attempt to mask them with Febreeze.
(e) The uncanny feeling that you're actually in the Body Shop.
And that's the end of our "E-Jit Guide For Taxi Drivers"! If your answers were mainly a's, b's, c's or d's, you've passed the test, and are well on the way to becoming a Dublin taxi driver. But if you have two or more e's, you need to gen up on your knowledge and take the test again.