ST. PATRICK WAS A FAGGOT
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot, and he didn't care."
The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
BRITISH NAVY VS IRISH
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:
AER LINGUS- MILE HIGH CLUB
A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area.
"Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
"Yes" He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy's ear,
"Tell your mother it's because Aer Lingus
always pulls out on time."
DOESN'T HE LOOK HAPPY?
At Finnegan's wake, Katy Ryan remarked about the corpse: 'Doesn't he look happy?'
'Yes,' said the widow Finnegan 'He died in his sleep and he doesn't know he's dead yet! In fact,' she went on, 'if he wakes up in the morning the shock will kill him!'
WHO'S FUNERAL?
As the funeral procession went by, the American tourist inquired of Dublin policeman:
'Who's dead?'
'I'm not sure,' said the Card, 'but I think it's the feller in the front car.'
FORGIVENESS FATHER?
An Irish priest in a small village near Donegal was fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" Almost immediately all the men stood up.
"Dear god, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" Almost immediately all the women stood up.
"Almighty Father, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Almost immediately, half the women stood up.
"NO, NO, NO", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" Immediately all the Nuns stood up...
CONFESSION
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."
The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness."
"No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
THE NEW PRIEST
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
PADDY'S SLIP UP
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".
To that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
O'MALLYS DEMISE
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes.
Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guineas Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
QUICK THINKING
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
KERRY QUIP
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."
SMART MURPHY
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and travelled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"
INTERCONTINENTAL
An Irishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Irishman politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The Englishman snapped his gum and asked, "Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?"
The Irishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied. "Of course."
The Englishman blew a huge bubble.
"We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in a
container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face. The Irishman listened in
silence.
The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Irishman replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."
The Irishman then asked, "Do you have sex in England?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Irishman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the Englishman.
Now it was the Irishman's turn to smile. "We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England. Why do you think it's called 'Wrigley's'?